Born in 1977 in Portsmouth, England, baldmonkey was actually Christened Paul Thomas Miller. His parents are the sort of shits who stayed together and he had a pleasant upbringing. No wonder, then, that he is a depressive and has to take medication to get through the day. Drawing from this tragedy, he creates. Here, in his own words, is the essence of baldmonkey:

"Paul Thomas Miller, or baldmonkey, is the least famous super-star to date. More people have heard of Jim Davidson than have heard of Paul Thomas Miller. This wouldn't seem so unfair but Paul Thomas Miller is a genius, both intellectually and comically. In a just world you'd all be clamouring just to touch him. In a just world he'd be running the planet. But this is not a just world. Although it is nice to look at the faces of the middle class tourists as you smash a dolphin right in the nose making blood go everywhere and when a child starts crying you are all "DO YOU FUCKING WANT SOME TOO?"

Nevertheless, I have decided to rectify the situation. This is mostly because I got sacked for gross misconduct and can't face getting a proper job because I've more or less had a nervous breakdown.

First of all I am going to get some books I have written published. They are guide books. I will share my wisdom with you and your lives will be improved. People on day time chat shows will refer to them for advice in future. They will pay millions for me to come on and tell Claire Rayner why what she just said is a crock of shit. And you will all phone in sick so you can watch me do it.